self-love, Uncategorized

Loving Others While Hating Yourself

“What is wrong with me?” “Why does this person not like me?” “Am I not pretty, smart, (insert adjective) enough?” The answer is yes, there is something wrong with you- you don’t love yourself enough.

As a spiritual coach and tarot reader, I hear these questions often. The truth is, no one can love us if we do not completely love ourselves. What your boyfriend or girlfriend is seeing is the lack of love you have within yourself. This is a lack of authenticity.

When someone does not love themselves, they place others above them, on a lofty pedestal, not realizing that it is their own inner child they should be loving. The problem with pedestals is no one can remain on one forever. Sooner or later, that god or goddess must come down to join the mortal world.

The 2 of swords depicts the need to listen to our own thoughts

Why do we put others on pedestals?

We often put others needs above our own because we were missing something in our childhood. Somewhere along the way, we felt unloved or unimportant. This happens in subtle ways sometimes- when mom or dad is too busy working or when one parent is MIA. There are many scenarios here but the important thing to understand is, yes your childhood comes back to haunt you in your relationships. This also happens with siblings. Perhaps you were the caretaker to your other siblings or yourself. You were taught that their needs were more important than yours at a young age. You had to put your own play time and development aside in order to foster theirs.

Wherever it came from, you learned that it was more important to please others than yourself.

Why the relationship fails

Those who do not love themselves enough are perplexed why they do so much for their significant other but the other person cannot return a simple text. The answer is, did you show them how to value you? Which do you value more something that is free or do you value something that you had to use your skill, sweat, and time to earn?  The reason why they are ignoring you is because you ignore you. It may sound harsh but taking care of another person while neglecting yourself isn’t a loving relationship, it is a parent/child relationship. So they feel that you are more a mother or father to them than a girlfriend or boyfriend. They want an equal, a lover.


Another reason why there are problems in a relationship when we do not love ourselves is a lack of authenticity. Authenticity is being you and not trying to hide your true self from others. When we are living our authenticity, our friends, family, and lovers know us and can “get” us. They know we like pumpkin pie more than apple pie and the color indigo more than purple. This creates trust. This creates a bond.

If you are not living in your authenticity, you will begin changing things. Maybe you used to hate watching football but Jake loves it and so maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe you used to love hiking but Janae hates swatting all of the flies so you don’t go anymore and maybe you didn’t like it as much as you thought. Is it wrong to change? Absolutely not. But is it wrong to deny who you are for the sake of another? YES! Compromise is what is needed in these situations not denial. Compromise shows you care about someone else but also that you care about yourself. If the other person expects you to change your core values, that’s toxic and that’s a whole new blog post.

Bottom line?

Show others how to treat you. Draw boundaries and stick to them. If you need help learning how to define your boundaries, there are plenty of books and videos on the topic. You can also have a tarot reading to assess where you need to strengthen your boundaries in yourself or relationships. Defining boundaries reading- click here to find your boundary blind-spots




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